You Were Not There the Night He Found Me

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Luke 7:38 “she stood behind Jesus at his feet weeping; she began to wet His feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.”

Every day I find things to be thankful for. Big things like having a job to go to and little things like a comfy pillow to sleep on. And I am sincerely thankful. But I get so comfortable enjoying the blessings of God and living in His grace that sometimes I forget to thank Jesus for just being Jesus.  It’s an incredible experience to just sit in His presence, love on him and show Him thankfulness because he loved me at my weakest.

My pastor recently made a statement during service to the effect of “Look around you, everyone here has a story to tell.” A testimony, if you will, about the power of God.  It has been my desire to learn those stories because I love to hear about the saving grace of our mighty God. I myself have a story and I take solace in knowing I am not alone in my journey because for a very long time I thought I was VERY alone.  I specifically remember one morning sitting in the middle of my bed. Nearby, a new born baby girl fussed in the crib literally, just a few feet away. I felt like I was hearing her from under waves of rushing water. My senses were not sharp and I felt absolutely alone and unbelievably inadequate. My motherly instincts would kick in and I would robotically tend to my child but it just was not “right”. I recall I never felt like getting ready as I was tired and emotionally drained most days. I definitely loved my baby but I did not feel like I was being the the proper mother. Of course, I had several other responsibilities in my life at the time and I let those feelings of inadequacy spill over into every aspect of my being. Eventually I pushed everyone away.  I needed the most guidance I’ve ever needed but I was not letting anyone close enough to help. I would lie in the dark and let sad thoughts simmer in my mind throughout the night. I woke up sad, stayed sad and went to bed sad.

This is just another reason I believe so strongly in the power of prayer. I felt like one day I knew, “This is it. I’m done being sad. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” And I just started to pray. Let me just reiterate, prayer has saved me on more than one occasion. I opened my bible and read a scripture in Luke 15:17, “When he finally came to his senses, He said to Himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare and here I am dying of hunger!’”  The part that really touched me was, “When He finally came to his senses…”, because I literally felt like I had been asleep, not myself, OUT OF MY MIND. I made questionable choices and said hurtful things to the people I loved most (things that were impossible to take back). I knew they were out of character but I went ahead without a care in the world. I know now I was probably depressed, but at the time I felt inexplicably LOST. Here I was spiritually starving to death and all I had to do was come back to my father’s table and eat of his fruit. But I kept pushing God away because I wanted to do things my own way. Once I allowed God to enter my mind, I began to feel more like myself.

One lonely evening I found myself at the feet of Jesus so eager to thank him for being available to me. He completely wrapped His arms around me and loved me. I felt Him and I knew right away He had never forgotten me. That night, Jesus saved me from myself. He has since allowed me to operate in His grace. I have been redeemed and this makes my heart jump for JOY. He never thought twice about inviting me in so I could love on him and weep in his presence; to pour my oil at his feet and show him how very much I needed him and need him still. I get emotional thinking of the dark hole I came out of because I could very well have stayed there. Thank my Lord Jesus Christ for his mighty and pure love. I could never have done it without Him. Friends, understand that nothing that you’ve been through will be wasted. When Jesus was asked by the disciples in the gospel of John about the blind man he healed He said to them, “It was neither that this man sinned (that he was “punished” with blindness), nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” Jesus gives us the go-ahead to testify of the healing He has done in our lives. HE wants us to boast in him. Your story matters. Share it so that His works may be displayed. I praise Him and I adore Him for the mighty works He’s done in MY life. I am forever grateful for the relationships He’s restored and the utter grace He showed a sinner like me. I pray I will not soon forget where He brought me from to be a light in this dark world. You were not there the night He found me, but I will testify of His goodness because He has forever changed my life. Amen!

Jessica picture Jessica Cisneros

3 responses to “You Were Not There the Night He Found Me

  1. Jessica, what an amazing blog & story of God’s grace for us! What an amazing testimony you have that can speak to so many struggling women. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing this so that it can help someone! Blessings on you!! 🙂

    Like

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