I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on
“Rise and Shine” was the theme of a recent women’s event at church. Pastor Shelly talked about leaving our past behind us and living the life God called us to live. Over the past few months, God has been preparing my heart to reveal a part of my past I have kept secret. Last Saturday night I was thinking and praying about it and I’ve decided that it’s time for me to share this secret. In March I turned 30 so I thought it would be a great time to close this chapter in my life and move on without any baggage to slow me down.
In some of my past blogs (from my personal blog page), I have written about a time in my life where I was in a very dark place…a place where I was lost. I had no idea who I was becoming and had forgotten who I was. I have never actually admitted to how dark and lost I was. It was during this time where I had thoughts of hurting myself; where the enemy would lead me to believe that I wasn’t worth it. I never acted on those thoughts; mainly because those thoughts scared me into realizing that I had so many dreams for my life that were still unfulfilled. Some of those dreams I’ve accomplished, like graduating from college and becoming a kindergarten teacher; other dreams I still want to happen, like get married, have a family and grow old. Even as superficial as it sounded, thinking of those things kept me looking for a light out of the darkness I was in.
I kept this secret for so long because I was ashamed for allowing myself to get that low and not letting others see how truly broken I was. Since I’ve really only known people that come and go in my life, I figured sharing my dark secret would just give them another reason to leave, so I tucked it away. I have only recently started opening up about this secret because I don’t want to carry it around with me anymore. I want to lay it down and leave it in the past and move on to a new chapter in my life, baggage free.
I will not let the enemy stop me from laying this down here and now, and I’m vowing to never pick it back up. I vow to leave my past in the past and not let it define me anymore. I ask that you pray for me and others like me; for those that have lived or are living in that dark place and are looking for a light in the darkness. I ask you to pray that they, like me, walk out of the darkness, leave their past behind them and live the life God has called them to live.