Picture this: you’re focused, you’re driven, you’ve set your sights on a dream you’ve had for a very long time and you can see this dream finally coming true after years and years of prayer and wishing and hoping…you’re like a racecar driver on the final lap of the big race and you’re in first place…you can see the finish line and in a few more feet, you’ll not only have touched it, but crossed over. In your peripheral view, you see the flag guy, but instead of the checkered flag in his hand, you see a yellow caution flag. You think to yourself, “What is that? There’s no one in front of me…I can see the finish line and I’m the only one.” But he’s waving the flag anyway and telling you to slow down. So you make a split second decision and decide to push through anyway because you know that nothing can stop you now…you’re so close and then….BAM!!!!
That was my 2014!!!
Oh how happy I am to see 2014 in my rear view mirror!! I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited to see one year end and another fresh, New Year begin!
Now that you have a great picture in your brain, let me explain what it all means.
My husband and I have long desired to have children and grow our family. We were given that dream a few years ago, only for it to be snatched away a few short weeks later through a miscarriage. As we are both not the spring chickens we once were, my doctor suggested I visit a fertility doctor. My husband didn’t really see a need for this as we were able to get pregnant once before. But, I thought it best to go and see what the doctor had to say and get things checked out…you know, just in case.
The initial appointments went good. There were a few minor things I needed to adjust, like my diet and exercise. After getting all of this adjusted, I was set to go in for an outpatient procedure as one final check to make sure everything was working properly and nothing was out of whack, so that we could proceed to the next step.
I had taken the morning off work this one Friday in late June to have all of my pre-op work completed. I had mentioned to my doctor during this visit that I had been experiencing some extreme shortness of breath that week so she added another test to the schedule to check it out.
I got home later that evening and all of a sudden started experiencing some major leg pain. My right leg was cramping and aching unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Imagine when you get a calf cramp…when it comes on, if you can stretch it out or stand up and stretch it, the cramp will go away. This felt like a calf cramp to the 100th degree that, no matter what I tried, I could not stretch it out. It hurt to sit; it hurt to walk; it hurt to stand…no matter what I did, it hurt! The pain was so severe that I got very light-headed and thought I was going to pass out!
Since the last time I felt lightheaded I was actually dehydrated, my husband thought it best to purchase copious amounts of Gatorade and have me drink them all night long. Did I mention how uncomfortable it was to get up and walk around? Imagine drinking bottle after bottle of water and Gatorade for about five hours straight…get the picture!?!
The next morning, I was still in a lot of pain and my leg was actually starting to swell. I decided to go to a clinic to see if they could give me something for the pain. When the doctor saw my leg, she measured it and said I should go to the ER and have them look at my leg; she said she’d feel better if they helped me first. So I left the clinic and went straight to the ER. The ER nurses put me in a room and ran some tests. They drew some blood and had a tech come in and do an x-ray on my right leg. About five minutes after the tests were done, the ER doctor came in and told me I had a blood clot in my leg and was being admitted to the hospital. About four hours later, I was in a private room in the hospital, where I stayed for the next three days. Now how’s that for a summer vacation!?! 😦
It all boiled down to some medication I was on, that mixed with my age, had a high probability of developing a blood clot…well, they were right. For once, I was the one in a million, billion, whatever the number was…just not the “one” I wanted to be! And with the blood clot, I was told that anything having to do with baby-making, fertility, whatever, was on hold for the next SIX months!
After all of it settled down and I was out of the hospital and getting back to regular stuff, I finally realized that I had blinders on my eyes. I was so focused and so driven to see my baby dreams come true, that I had completely tuned out God and His plan for this part of my life. I had basically told Him, “Hey, I found a way to make this happen faster instead of waiting on Your timing, so I’m going this way, instead of Your Way.” See what doing it “my way” got me!?! Six months of waiting…more freakin’ waiting!!!
December 31st was the last day that I had to take my blood thinners. I used some of that six-month time to focus on God and His plan for our lives. I learned that I need to be content with my current place in life; to enjoy the time my husband and I have left in our “coupleness” before kids come along; and to enjoy that we can pick up and go out or grab a bite to eat without having to find a babysitter. And I also learned that no matter what the future holds, two things will never change: (1) God’s love for me is constant, unwavering and forever, and (2) so is my husband’s love.
I recently went back to the fertility doctor and visited with her on our next step. She gave us some options and said to let her know how we decide to proceed. This year, I’ve removed the blinders. I’m still focused and driven and my sights are still set on the baby dream, but this time, I’m doing it God’s way! I’m going to let Him tell me which option to choose and trust in His timing and His plan. 🙂
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV), “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV), “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”